Bethany's Baby Babblings

My return to work is fast looming (is 'fast looming' even a thing? Have I worked that right? Idk whatever) sooooooo this blog will probably become a weekly occurance until I'm back in the swing of it (so that'll be never ha) Anyway. So as I've said before, I've started my perinatal therapy and my counsellor is an absolute gem. My aim after my first session (well second but the my first session was more of a getting to know you kinda thiiiiing) is to practice grounding. Grounding is detaching from my overwhelming emotional pain so I can gain control over my feelings and have a sense of control. There's loads of different ways to "ground" and my task for the next two weeks is to see which ones work for me and to practice them several times a day. I have also been instructed to stop metaphorically beating myself up, calling myself daft/silly/stupid and apologising for my feelings. That is a 25 year habit that'll be tough to crack. Anyway, ...

I finally have my counselling sessions scheduled. It's weird, I almost feel like I don't need them because I am actually doing miles better than I was when I got referred.  But I know I do. I've just coped by blocking my thoughts rather than changing them. And when things get bad (like last week's sleep regression) that's when I crumble and have scary thoughts.  I'm glad it's happening but I am shitting it about having to spill and address all my feelings. Which is daft because I'm half doing it now on this blog. But it's easier to be brave and honest from behind a screen.  Woah this post got a bit deep. Here's a photo of squidge.

I just love my little monkey so much. She's just pure joy. Even when she's being a little shit and generally being a baby (babies can be well annoying. I know they can't help it but it's true) After my sister Emma died I was so numb and couldn't ever see myself enjoying life like I used to. Which made me feel guilty because I know that Emma would want me to be happy and live my best life. However when wiggles came along she taught me (and my family) that you can experience the utmost happiness along side the sadness. She reminded us that life is good. I still have my PND (and still on the waiting list for therapy *sigh*) but experiencing the world a new with my ray of sunshine is helping fix my broken heart. I think IKEA sums it up pretty well (haha hear me out) with their slogan - the wonderful everyday. Dribble chops remind me that there is happiness and excitement in normal everyday stuff, which helps balance out missing Emma, feeling low and the PND. For...

She's four weeks old today. Four weeks of motherhood and I have been unofficially diagnosed with post natal depression. I say unofficially because no-one has outright said it to me but my healthcare visitor and GP have referred me for perinatal psychological therapy. And I'm ticking most of the boxes of the symptoms. I was half expecting to have post natal depression (let's use the abbreviation from now on, PND) anyway due to a history of depression and self-harming, and just being generally anxious day to day. My sister passed away 7 weeks before my daughter arrived and I tried my hardest to stay strong mentally, emotionally, physically to protect my daughter. So once she was born it was obvious that my mind and body just broke down. I realise this post isn't in keeping with my usual tone of self deprecating humour but I think that the more I talk about my PND the more I can take steps to get through it. Plus I don't want it to be this to be a 'big dirty ...