Bethany's Baby Babblings

Squidge is sleeping ok for both sets of grandparents but not when she's at home. So it's clearly something I am doing wrong. Except I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know what I'm doing full stop. It's 11.23pm and I've only just got her to sleep. She was yawning and rubbing her eyes at 6.50pm and we put her down to sleep at 7pm yet the hysterics started and didn't stop. It's been like this for two or three weeks now and it's really wearing me down. I can feel myself spiralling again and it's poop. I just want to have a handle on things. I want to have the patience and perseverance and positivtity to deal with curveballs. Instead I'm just criticising and catastrophising (I really didn't mean to go to town on the alliteration just then. If only I had a natural talent for parenting rather than basic literary devices!) Thank god my therapy starts in a week and a bit. I really hope she can fix my thinking. My therapist i...

I finally have my counselling sessions scheduled. It's weird, I almost feel like I don't need them because I am actually doing miles better than I was when I got referred.  But I know I do. I've just coped by blocking my thoughts rather than changing them. And when things get bad (like last week's sleep regression) that's when I crumble and have scary thoughts.  I'm glad it's happening but I am shitting it about having to spill and address all my feelings. Which is daft because I'm half doing it now on this blog. But it's easier to be brave and honest from behind a screen.  Woah this post got a bit deep. Here's a photo of squidge.

Turns out it was a fluke. She hasn't slept through the past two nights.  I don't mind though. Much.  She's asleep now. I love holding her while she sleeps. Nicest feeling in the world.  She has the most amazing eyelashes. I'm well jealous. Years of mascara abuse have rendered mine stubby little stumps.  This post is a bit shit and a bit short. But I have nowt else to say. I mean what I have said isn't that interesting so adding owt else would induce sleep. Ha, maybe I should read it to squidge so she'll bloody sleep on a night! 

I lost my safety blanket this week, Dale went back to work. He's been an absolute rock for the past six weeks. So obviously this is when my post natal depression really cranked up a gear. Total panic set in. I felt sick with anxiety. Every minute felt like hours. I was exhausted yet I couldn't sleep as my mind was racing. I felt lost and hopeless. I seemed to be doing everything wrong and I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't want to leave the house because I didn't want people watching me, judging me for being a shit mum. Luckily my GP is on it and super attentive (she already sorted my counselling) and prescribed me with anti-depressants. Unluckily, the side effects are making me feel worse - even tireder, headaches, groggy. They should wear off in a week or two, then the tablets will start to do their job a week or two after that. Then hopefully the thoughts and feelings above will be under control and eventually go away. I've titled this post Rock Botto...

She's four weeks old today. Four weeks of motherhood and I have been unofficially diagnosed with post natal depression. I say unofficially because no-one has outright said it to me but my healthcare visitor and GP have referred me for perinatal psychological therapy. And I'm ticking most of the boxes of the symptoms. I was half expecting to have post natal depression (let's use the abbreviation from now on, PND) anyway due to a history of depression and self-harming, and just being generally anxious day to day. My sister passed away 7 weeks before my daughter arrived and I tried my hardest to stay strong mentally, emotionally, physically to protect my daughter. So once she was born it was obvious that my mind and body just broke down. I realise this post isn't in keeping with my usual tone of self deprecating humour but I think that the more I talk about my PND the more I can take steps to get through it. Plus I don't want it to be this to be a 'big dirty ...