Bethany's Baby Babblings

My return to work is fast looming (is 'fast looming' even a thing? Have I worked that right? Idk whatever) sooooooo this blog will probably become a weekly occurance until I'm back in the swing of it (so that'll be never ha) Anyway. So as I've said before, I've started my perinatal therapy and my counsellor is an absolute gem. My aim after my first session (well second but the my first session was more of a getting to know you kinda thiiiiing) is to practice grounding. Grounding is detaching from my overwhelming emotional pain so I can gain control over my feelings and have a sense of control. There's loads of different ways to "ground" and my task for the next two weeks is to see which ones work for me and to practice them several times a day. I have also been instructed to stop metaphorically beating myself up, calling myself daft/silly/stupid and apologising for my feelings. That is a 25 year habit that'll be tough to crack. Anyway, ...

Squidge is sleeping ok for both sets of grandparents but not when she's at home. So it's clearly something I am doing wrong. Except I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know what I'm doing full stop. It's 11.23pm and I've only just got her to sleep. She was yawning and rubbing her eyes at 6.50pm and we put her down to sleep at 7pm yet the hysterics started and didn't stop. It's been like this for two or three weeks now and it's really wearing me down. I can feel myself spiralling again and it's poop. I just want to have a handle on things. I want to have the patience and perseverance and positivtity to deal with curveballs. Instead I'm just criticising and catastrophising (I really didn't mean to go to town on the alliteration just then. If only I had a natural talent for parenting rather than basic literary devices!) Thank god my therapy starts in a week and a bit. I really hope she can fix my thinking. My therapist i...

I finally have my counselling sessions scheduled. It's weird, I almost feel like I don't need them because I am actually doing miles better than I was when I got referred.  But I know I do. I've just coped by blocking my thoughts rather than changing them. And when things get bad (like last week's sleep regression) that's when I crumble and have scary thoughts.  I'm glad it's happening but I am shitting it about having to spill and address all my feelings. Which is daft because I'm half doing it now on this blog. But it's easier to be brave and honest from behind a screen.  Woah this post got a bit deep. Here's a photo of squidge.

I lost my safety blanket this week, Dale went back to work. He's been an absolute rock for the past six weeks. So obviously this is when my post natal depression really cranked up a gear. Total panic set in. I felt sick with anxiety. Every minute felt like hours. I was exhausted yet I couldn't sleep as my mind was racing. I felt lost and hopeless. I seemed to be doing everything wrong and I had no idea what I was doing. I didn't want to leave the house because I didn't want people watching me, judging me for being a shit mum. Luckily my GP is on it and super attentive (she already sorted my counselling) and prescribed me with anti-depressants. Unluckily, the side effects are making me feel worse - even tireder, headaches, groggy. They should wear off in a week or two, then the tablets will start to do their job a week or two after that. Then hopefully the thoughts and feelings above will be under control and eventually go away. I've titled this post Rock Botto...

When I went for my psychological assessment to determine whether I needed counselling (spoiler alert: I do), the counsellor (let's call her Barbara) was so lovely, sympathetic and understanding. The main thing that Barbara said that really stuck with me was that "babies cry" To you it may seem obvious but to me it was a bloody revelation. The penny dropped. Babies cry! And that's OK! It's not my job to prevent crying (that would require being able to read my child's mind) but more to try to stop the crying and/or comfort her through the crying. Because, you know, sometimes babies cry for no damn reason. They cry for one reason, you sort it out, then they change their mind and want the opposite and cry again. Eventually they'll stop crying...until they start crying again. Those two words have helped me so much. I mean obviously the post natal depression is still there but it's the second tool in my arsenal to help me combat it. (the first too...