Bethany's Baby Babblings

My depression has really been biting me in the arse this week. I wish the waiting list for the therapy wasn't so bloody long. The bad thoughts have been getting louder and I haven't got the strength to ignore them. (Don't worry I'm not having thoughts of hurting myself or my kiddo. I have had self harming urges in the past and it's really scary but I think my antidepressants have stopped those urges) Basically I've managed to convince myself that my daughter doesn't like me. Even as I'm typing this out I realise how ridiculous that sounds. But my brain is broken and that's what it's doing. Wiggles is always so happy and smiley but recently she's been crying, angry and frustrated, until someone else is with her then she's fine. I know I shouldn't be taking this personally but PND is a bitch and overrides all rational thoughts. Those close to me have comforted me and reasoned with me, saying it's because I'm her mum so sh...

This week I left the house by myself with my baby for the first time. I only went to the end of the road and back again and then for a sit down in the village green outside my house. Like a half mile round trip all in all. But I survived and so did my baba. I know it doesn't sound much but to me it was such an achievement. My post natal depression has made even the smallest of things for well people, a monumental task which evokes such anxiety for me. It was a sunny morning walk, a bit on the nippy side but nothing a big furry onesie couldn't sort (for my daughter...not myself...pity) and I enjoyed the fresh air. Also right, dog poo has always been annoying. However when you're trekking a pram about it is rage inducing! I was having to do some formula one style swerving to avoid getting shite all my pram.  It's quite weird mentioning poo in a post that isn't my daughter's. Rather refreshing. (Rather refreshing?! I am clearly watching too much Ca...