Bethany's Baby Babblings

My return to work is fast looming (is 'fast looming' even a thing? Have I worked that right? Idk whatever) sooooooo this blog will probably become a weekly occurance until I'm back in the swing of it (so that'll be never ha) Anyway. So as I've said before, I've started my perinatal therapy and my counsellor is an absolute gem. My aim after my first session (well second but the my first session was more of a getting to know you kinda thiiiiing) is to practice grounding. Grounding is detaching from my overwhelming emotional pain so I can gain control over my feelings and have a sense of control. There's loads of different ways to "ground" and my task for the next two weeks is to see which ones work for me and to practice them several times a day. I have also been instructed to stop metaphorically beating myself up, calling myself daft/silly/stupid and apologising for my feelings. That is a 25 year habit that'll be tough to crack. Anyway, ...

Squidge is sleeping ok for both sets of grandparents but not when she's at home. So it's clearly something I am doing wrong. Except I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I don't know what I'm doing full stop. It's 11.23pm and I've only just got her to sleep. She was yawning and rubbing her eyes at 6.50pm and we put her down to sleep at 7pm yet the hysterics started and didn't stop. It's been like this for two or three weeks now and it's really wearing me down. I can feel myself spiralling again and it's poop. I just want to have a handle on things. I want to have the patience and perseverance and positivtity to deal with curveballs. Instead I'm just criticising and catastrophising (I really didn't mean to go to town on the alliteration just then. If only I had a natural talent for parenting rather than basic literary devices!) Thank god my therapy starts in a week and a bit. I really hope she can fix my thinking. My therapist i...

I've realised that I haven't mentioned my mental health for a while. Probably because that although my antidepressants are keeping me stable I am STILL on the waiting list for therapy so I'm kind of stuck in limbo. I'm better in the sense that I feel comfortable being alone with squidge now. But the negative scary shitty thoughts are still there and I don't want to be on antidepressants for the rest of my life so therapy would be really helpful. So I will keep waiting. Thank god I have an amazing support network because without them I would have definitely had more of a mental breakdown and maybe acted on my self-harm urges. Hmm this post ended up being a bit of a debbie Downer so I took a photo of me and monkey (she's asleep on me as I'm writing this) Please excuse my makeup free face exposing the bags under my eyes and spots on my chin. Let's be honest, you're paying more attention to little miss scratchy nose anyway ❤️

She's four weeks old today. Four weeks of motherhood and I have been unofficially diagnosed with post natal depression. I say unofficially because no-one has outright said it to me but my healthcare visitor and GP have referred me for perinatal psychological therapy. And I'm ticking most of the boxes of the symptoms. I was half expecting to have post natal depression (let's use the abbreviation from now on, PND) anyway due to a history of depression and self-harming, and just being generally anxious day to day. My sister passed away 7 weeks before my daughter arrived and I tried my hardest to stay strong mentally, emotionally, physically to protect my daughter. So once she was born it was obvious that my mind and body just broke down. I realise this post isn't in keeping with my usual tone of self deprecating humour but I think that the more I talk about my PND the more I can take steps to get through it. Plus I don't want it to be this to be a 'big dirty ...