Bethany's Baby Babblings

My depression has really been biting me in the arse this week. I wish the waiting list for the therapy wasn't so bloody long. The bad thoughts have been getting louder and I haven't got the strength to ignore them. (Don't worry I'm not having thoughts of hurting myself or my kiddo. I have had self harming urges in the past and it's really scary but I think my antidepressants have stopped those urges) Basically I've managed to convince myself that my daughter doesn't like me. Even as I'm typing this out I realise how ridiculous that sounds. But my brain is broken and that's what it's doing. Wiggles is always so happy and smiley but recently she's been crying, angry and frustrated, until someone else is with her then she's fine. I know I shouldn't be taking this personally but PND is a bitch and overrides all rational thoughts. Those close to me have comforted me and reasoned with me, saying it's because I'm her mum so sh...

Sorry we're having too much of a chilled bank holiday for me to post decent content (well decent for me) So here's wiggles with crazy bed hair. featuring cookie monster, elmo, minnie mouse, mr potato head, mickey mouse and dale wearing a sombrero (the chipmunk, not dale my husband 😂) 

I've been a bit concerned because squidge has been a bit of a mute for the past few weeks. Just laughter and whines. No babbling. In her own little world. I have resisted the urge to google what the "norm" is for a six month old. But it hasn't stopped me having mild "development anxiety" (where parents worry about how fast or slow their sprogs are hitting milestones) I needn't have worried because I popped monkey down for a nap and there were some reet sounds coming from her Moses basket. Then she went back to being a mute. So to paraphrase Bjork (see this post does relate to it's title!) It's oh so quiet Shh shh It's oh so still Shh shh You're all alone Shh shh And so peaceful until EEEEEEEEE AAAAAAA ERRRRRR EHHHH HEEEEEEE AAAAAAAHHHH.

You know, I'm not reet sure that I mean unsolicited. Basically I'm giving out advice that no one asked for ha. So here it is; take the batteries out of the remote before giving it to your sprog to play with 👍 (I learnt this the hard way and she nearly deafened me by blasting up the volume on Mr Tumble) Why do babies insist on chewing everything they're not supposed to? We have got gazillions of teething toys yet she ignores them and beelines for remotes, plates, knees, etc. Weirdo.

The title explains what I'm about to babble about. I am constantly told by everyone, especially old people in supermarkets, that my child has a lot of hair. So at the tender age of six months and three days, we took her to get her hair cut. Bit of background: we go to the hairdressers as a family. me, my mum, my dad and my sister Emma when she was alive. we have been going to Kevin, Emily and Ella for years. They're fab and so lovely. Monkey was reet good and sat dead still the entire time. Before After LOOK AT HER LITTLE FRINGE 😍 SHE LOOKS LIKE A LITTLE GIRL AND NOT A LITTLE BABY!!! I LOVE HER SO MUCH AND I'VE GOT HER LITTLE BABY HAIR IN A BAG TO PUT IN A MEMORY BOX! it's weird to think that the hair in that bag was the hair she was born with. god her hair was covered in gunk when she was first born, it was minging.  she's got such a cute little bob now 😍 i had a bob at around her age and it's why i have the nickname bobs. it'...

Siiiiiiiix monnnnnnnnnths olllllllld!!!!!! Woooooohooooooo!!!!!! (I had a really challenging day with her yesterday, the worst in a while and it kicked my mental health in the balls so I'm deciding the celebrate all the little victories - like her half birthday!) Highlights of our sixth month • chunk has scoffed pea mush, broccoli mush and carrot mush. she's all about the mush • i've finally learnt what her poo face is like! • she's stops whatever she's doing if she hears the chase music or the mash theme tune and it's hilarious • wiggles does an excited dance whenever we put hey duggee on • she full on belly laughs if dale let's her stroke his hair 😂

I've realised that I haven't mentioned my mental health for a while. Probably because that although my antidepressants are keeping me stable I am STILL on the waiting list for therapy so I'm kind of stuck in limbo. I'm better in the sense that I feel comfortable being alone with squidge now. But the negative scary shitty thoughts are still there and I don't want to be on antidepressants for the rest of my life so therapy would be really helpful. So I will keep waiting. Thank god I have an amazing support network because without them I would have definitely had more of a mental breakdown and maybe acted on my self-harm urges. Hmm this post ended up being a bit of a debbie Downer so I took a photo of me and monkey (she's asleep on me as I'm writing this) Please excuse my makeup free face exposing the bags under my eyes and spots on my chin. Let's be honest, you're paying more attention to little miss scratchy nose anyway ❤️